the eugene bean

I was feeling low on topics to write about. Frankly, I was feeling low in general. Not anything I could put my finger on, just a general malaise that effectively prevented me from creating. Aside: Is it pompous of me to think of myself as a creator? I’ve been trying to think of myself as an artist- and it’s all the rage for scrapbookers to define themselves as Life Artists or some other term that adds a sense of credibility to our cutting and pasting activities- but creator? Of what? Blog entries, scrapbook projects, my kids?

I went to the gyno this week. Nothing like a stranger poking at your privates to awaken the artist in you. I talked to this stranger (because who else can help me other than a doctor who has made it her life’s calling to fiddle with vaginas all day) about some personal problems, namely my inability to lose weight, my miniscule sexual appetite, and an overwhelming sense of anxiety that sneaks into my subconscious and robs my brain of sensical (I really thought that was a word but my computer is telling me otherwise.) thought.

I have to give her credit for listening. She didn’t rush me out; she let me blather on for a good 20 minutes. She didn’t give me any trite advice (can I tell you how often I’ve heard, “Just set a date night, you’ll be having sex 27 times a day if you find some special time alone with your spouse!”) and she didn’t make light of issues that truly weigh upon my conscience. (I once had an ob/gyn tell me after a miscarriage, “Go home, relax- Hey, at least you can have that glass of wine!” What I did was go home and visualize myself slowly ripping his arms and legs off. And that, ironically, was healing.)

What she did suggest was Lexipro. Lexipro, it seems, should give me the power to enjoy life. That’s what it says anyway. It’ll give me the power to enjoy life by its ability to decrease both my depression and my anxiety. It’s starts working quickly, within 4-6 weeks, has minimal side effects, and is not likely to add to my libido problem like so many other SSRIs- which I know (after a look at Wikipedia) allow my body to utilize my serotonin more effectively. The doc was able to give me 5 weeks of free samples with the promise of more due to a good drug rep. That right there takes away my “I’m so broke that I can’t take care of my mind or body” excuse.

She also suggested therapy. So far as I know, therapy costs money. She didn’t offer me any samples.

So I don’t know. Most of me does not want to take drugs to feel better. Particularly if said drug can’t be taken with alcohol- my present drug of choice. Despite all contrary evidence, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that drugs aren’t needed and that most people can snap out of a funk. Truthfully, I will feel ashamed to take a drug to help me with my problems. Even though I know I shouldn’t, even though I know it can REALLY help, even though I know many people whose lives are changed for the better because of medication.

I somehow feel less worthy, like I couldn’t pull it together on my own, that I needed a crutch or aide to get me through life.

And I continue to fight with myself. Corrie says to Corrie, “Come on, it might make you feel better. If you consistently take this med you may not want to drop your children off at the neighbor’s and run.” And then Corrie replies, “Yes Corrie, but you know you’ll snap out of this. Don’t succumb to the Drugs Are Great pressure- toughen up and stick it out.”

I am at war.

To go back to the issue of creativity that I started with and somehow lost- I was feeling stumped and couldn’t think of anything to write about so I got online and searched Google for some creative inspiration. I was lucky enough to find a list of 5 EASY things you should do when you’re feeling like a lump of uninspired, uncreative crap. Here’s my favorite suggestion:

Get rid of all obstacles that can be a hindrance to your creativity.

I just about died laughing. J? E? Ty? You know I love ya, but you’ve just got to go. You’re cramping my style.