the eugene bean

So we’re cleaning up the computer the other night. Freeing up memory space, deleting photos and music we don’t want or need, decluttering the computer.

So we go to Costco.com to price a DVD writer. And we wind up pricing caskets. Did you know Costco sells caskets? Well, Ty and I start some research. They were so expensive! And this is Costco we’re talking about. How much would they be regularly?

So our morbid curiosity has kicked in and we go find out. Turns out at Funeral Depot you can get one for lots cheaper.

So Ty decides on a plain pine box. He just wants to be buried and be done with it. He figures he’s dead, and going into the ground is as good a place as any.

I’m still set on cremation. No way is my body being put into a casket for people to look at. No Way. I like the idea of going back to the earth, so maybe my ashes could be spread in a forest somewhere. I don’t want to be memorialized in a particular place; I don’t like thinking of people coming to visit the location of my remains. A location deep in the forest should keep that from happening.

So then last night, I’m tucking E in and we’re talking. He can’t wait to be 5, because then he’ll switch places with J and sleep on the top bunk. He is Very Disappointed that he has to turn 4 before he can turn 5.

So this starts up a birthday conversation. The conversation includes lots of fingers, because that’s how E makes sense of time and years. Right now he’s 3 fingers, next he’ll be 4 fingers, and when he’s 5 Whole Fingers he’ll sleep up top. Okay, got it. Then E surprises me by saying, “I have this many (10) fingers! And I’m going to need them to be that old!” He says, “I’m going to have lots of birthdays, right Mom?”

And my heart stops beating for a moment. I am gripped by fear. I break out in a cold sweat.

What if, Holy Shit, he doesn’t have that many birthdays?

My panic lasted all of 3 seconds. That’s how long it took E to change the subject and start demanding the third rendition of One Two Buckle My Shoe.

However, it was enough to keep me up last night. The combo of casket shopping and fear for my little guys kept me up last night.

And, it seems to tie into a lot of other things I can’t stop thinking about.

*I’m suddenly gripped by the fear that I don’t have enough time in life to do what I want to do. Not enough time in the day, in the week, in the years ahead. I think this is brought about by how old my children are getting. And my 30th birthday. And, the fact that we don’t have a lot of extra money or time doesn’t help any.

*I have been very worried that I don’t have the energy or stamina to keep up with people in New Orleans. It is impossible for me to live in 2 places at once, and it seems that mentally, I’ve been attempting just that. At Christmas, I realized just how much people expect from us. I know that the expectation is because of the love that they have for us but it’s still overwhelming. In our immediate families we have 11 people (not counting the spouses), we also have 6 grandparents that I try very hard to communicate with on a regular basis. These are the people that made us; these are the people we owe our lives to. But, keeping in touch is hard, and I don’t have much spare energy to keep it up with others. I feel a lot of guilt but if I’m dedicated to making new friends here in Oregon (and I am dedicated to that) then my friendships in New Orleans are going to suffer. Is my heart smaller then the hearts of others? I don’t think so. I think it’s normal to let go of things to make room for new. But, it’s hard when you’re talking about human people with feelings.

*A friend recently asked, “Is it possible for an atheist and an active Christian to have an unbreakable bond?” Well, of course I think it’s possible. A Higher Power has no influence on my life, so as long as you are trying to be a good person, you’re doing right in my book. I may not understand your lifestyle or agree with your choices; but that doesn’t really matter to me at all. However, I am surrounded by people that think I am doing Bad Things. People believe that by not believing in and loving God, I am Doomed. Can you have respect for someone if you think they are doing Bad Things and are Doomed? Is the love mixed with too much pity? I don’t like pity. I do not want to be pitied because of my beliefs.

*We are stuck for the next 2 ½ years and I’m feeling trapped. Don’t get me wrong, I’m where I want to be for now. I love Oregon, I love our neighborhood, I love my job. BUT, I want to do more. I want to foster a child, I want a new career, I want to know that I’m living somewhere permanent. This is something about law school that I didn’t really consider. I thought of it as a grand new adventure and not something I’d be stuck with. Everything else is on the back burner until law school (and the decisions that will come after) is over. This ties closely with Problem Number 1 (see above). Irrational? Maybe. But feelings nonetheless.

So sometimes life seems so good. Sometimes all that matters is snuggling on the sofa with your family or drinking a glass of wine while reading a good book. Sometimes a conversation between friends can brighten up an entire week and sometimes the love of others can fix anything.

But other times life hurts and sends you shopping for caskets.