the eugene bean

So, my brother is coming. To Eugene. To my apartment. He bought a one way ticket. Life is about to change.

I've been trying to write about my feelings toward moving and the impact Katrina has had on me, but I've been unable to process it all. (I did manage a screaming and yelling and beating my chest kind of entry on a private blog, but I couldn't make myself write about it here.) I have been battling a severe kind of loneliness. Thoughts of being alone have been taking over my other thoughts, I've had extremely scary nightmares for the last 3 weeks, I've been crying at odd times... Plain and simple depression.

I feel like I jumped out of a high building with this move, and in one weekend, my safety net was yanked out from under me. I've had limited contact with my family, almost no contact with my friends. We've had 2 packages delivered since the hurricane, we've only sent out a couple. I had this grand scheme worked out for how we were going to stay connected with the people we love, and it was all wiped out. The 4 of us, even Ellis, have been floating along in a state of weirdness, stress, loneliness, depression, sadness.

To add insult to injury, Stacy was supposed to be here this weekend for a fun visit. We have her marked on the calendar, and the kids had been marking off days. I knew after the storm she wouldn't make it out here (and I also know I'm blabbing about stress when she's experiencing far more then me) but I didn't want to let go of the hope.

Things here have been going well. I love my job, Ty's getting the hang of school, the kids are making friends and having fun. But, we're lonely. And, I'm getting annoyed with people and their opinions of my home.

• Do you think I care about your opinion that New Orleans shouldn't be rebuilt because it's 7 feet below sea level? Do you actually think you have any say in the matter at all?
• No, stupid, I don't think NO had this coming.
• No, I'm not relieved that I got out just in time. Most of me would much rather be there right now with my family and friends.
• Yes, it is your money that will rebuild my city. I'd thank you and the rest of the country for it, but you're just pissing me off with your high and mightiness.

And then Brad says he's coming.

Brad may be here for a week, he may find a place and stay for 6 months, he may stay with me for a few days and then head to Portland or some other fun city. At this point, the fact that he's coming is enough for me. The fact that I will be able to hug one of my closest friends, sit on the sofa (Hey, maybe this will convince Ty to get rid of the sucky one. Maybe we can pawn it off on Brad if he gets his own place!) and chat with someone other then Ty (love ya, babe) and share some of my new life with someone I love is enough to get me out of this. Will I be sad when (if) he leaves? Sure, but it'll be worth it. Right now I need someone, and so does he.

I'm so proud of him for taking care of himself. I'm proud of him for recognizing his sadness and doing something about it. He took stock of his options, and he's doing something to make his life better. At this point it doesn't matter if it's a vacation or a more permanent move, Brad is starting over. And, so am I.