the eugene bean

This is what Sarah suffers from, along with 90% of my students.

What is Attachment Disorder?
An Introduction

Reactive Attachment Disorder is a very real illness. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder are reacting to events in their early life that may include neglect, abuse, or something more subtle. Due to these events, many children are unable to attach to a primary caregiver and go through the normal development that children must go through in order to function in relationships. My explanation is somewhat simplified but may be helpful to you. It does not replace a diagnosis from an attachment therapist.

In the first two years of life, children go through healthy attachment cycles - the first year and second year attachment cycles.

As the baby has a need and signals that need by crying, the mother (primary caregiver) comes and soothes her baby and meets his needs. If this cycle is repeated over and over again and the baby's needs are consistently met in the proper way by the same caregiver, the baby often learns to trust. He will then be able to continue on in his development.

In a Disturbed Attachment Cycle, the baby has a need, cries, but this time, the need is not met by his mother (primary caregiver). Sometimes, the need is met but it is inconsistent, or there are different caregivers who are not attuned to this particular baby. Sometimes the baby's cries go unanswered as in the case of neglect or the baby's cries are met with a slap as in the case of physical abuse. Whatever the cause, the baby's needs are not met in a consistent, appropriate way.

Instead of learning to trust as the baby who experiences the Healthy Attachment Cycle, this baby learns that the world is an unsafe place, that he must take care of himself, that he can trust no one to meet his needs. He learns that he cannot depend on adults. Instead of trust developing, rage develops and is internalized. He learns that he must be in charge of his life for his very survival. Is it any wonder that a child with reactive attachment disorder feels the need to be in control? He thinks his very life depends on it.

If the child has been able to successfully go through the Healthy Attachment Cycle during his first year of life, then he most likely will be able to go through the next which is the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle. This time when the child cries, he is met by limits the caregiver has set. When the child defies or tests the limits, the caregiver responds appropriatly.

It is only by going through this Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle that the child will ever be able to learn to accept limits on his behavior. It is by going through these two attachment cycles - the Healthy Attachment Cycle in the first year and then the Second Year Secure Attachment Cycle - that the child learns to trust, engage in reciprocity, to regulate his emotions. It is back there that he starts to develop a conscience, self- esteem, empathy, the foundations for logical thinking are laid down, etc. The breakdown of these two attachment cycles will damage all of the relationships he has for the rest of his life unless interventions are made.

When the first cycle breaks down, the child cannot do the second year. To expect the child to function as a typical child when his normal development was completely stunted back in infant/toddlerhood is not rational. We must take them back and help them redo these steps.

Children with reactive attachment disorder see the world differently than we do. They learned in those first few months or years that they could not rely on adults to keep them safe. In many cases, they learned that adults were uncaring, mean, rejecting, violent, unreliable, unresponsive, or absent. It doesn't matter how wonderful their new home is or how wonderful you are, they will perceive you the way they perceive all adults. Even children who have come home at a very young age often cannot take in the love their parents try to give them. Biological children who suffer a separation from their primary caregiver due to illness, etc., may not be able to take in mom's love. The potential causes vary.

As in my son's case, the child may learn as an infant/toddler that they must take care of themselves. That they cannot depend on adults for their safety, hence their need for control to make sure they stay safe. They believe that they stay safe if they push you away by making you angry, grossing you out, etc., any way they can to distance themselves from you emotionally and physically.

Many times these hurt children really believe that if they do things your way by obeying you they will die. They don't think that doing things your way is what will keep them safe. They learned this in those first few years of life when they learned they had to depend on themselves. Bringing them into your home will not change this belief about all adults – including you.

If you can understand why your child doesn't want to do things your way (he doesn't trust that your way is safe based on past experience), why your child tries to make you angry by pushing your buttons and using gross-out behaviors (because he doesn't want you to love him, he wants to keep you emotionally distanced to stay safe), why he sabotages special moments and events (because he feels unworthy), why he is so negative (because he feels bad about himself to the point of self-hatred) you are put in a better position to help him.

By understanding my child's inner life I was better equipped at maintaining the right therapeutic parenting attitude needed to help facilitate healing. I also stopped taking his behavior so personally and realized that he would behave this way regardless of his present circumstances. He would reject any adoptive parent - it wasn't me, it was his illness.

I was able to start seeing my son as a deeply wounded child who was denied the very basics in life – a mother's love and protection. My focus switched from my hurt feelings and dashed dreams and started to focus on helping my son find his way back to the beginning and start the attachment cycles even at his advanced age that would in time, help him heal his broken heart. Essentially, I came to terms with my disappointments and got down to the business of healing.

Nancy Geoghegan http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/
* Some information based on Attachment, Trauma, and Healing by Terry Levy and Michael Orlans

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I knew all this. I had to learn it before my first day on the job. I've learned not to take my student's behavior personally because I know it has nothing to do with me and that I am healthy for them, not toxic like the adults from their past.

But this time? With Sarah? I feel the burn of rejection. And the loss of a beautiful girl. And the sadness- deep and painful sadness- that we were not able to help her at all.

She's still out there. Skipping around from one friend's house to another, not telling any adults where she is. She got her chin pierced and we're pretty sure she's doing drugs, we can read about it on her MySpace page. I have all her stuff here, bagged up and waiting until further notice. I'd like it gone, because it's confusing to me and to Ty and to the boys.