the eugene bean

After much deliberation and discussion and gnashing of the teeth and pulling of the hair Ty and I have decided to take on E’s behavior with a 5 week behavior modification program.

No, it does not involve electric shock.

What it does involve is a book. A book entitled, Parenting the Strong Willed Child, The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two to Six Year Olds.

I’m unsatisfied with the title of this book. I think any of the following would be more appropriate to our situation.

Parenting the Kid Who Acts Like a Raving Lunatic
Parenting the Kid Who May Really Be a Monkey
Parenting the Kid Disguised as a Kid Whose Real Identity is a Terrorist from Al Qaeda

I’m a big believer in self-help books. Maybe this is due to the fact that my mother is the author of one and I grew up with self help books on topics ranging from microwave cooking to sibling rivalry to self-esteem to how to get rich in 10 short days. My trust in self-help books also stems from the huge success I had after reading Dr. Ferber's Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems. Dr. Ferber is my hero and I owe him my undying love.

Anyway, I’m supposed to keep a record of E’s behavior and the changes that we go through as a family during these next 5 weeks. And, wow! What better place to do that then this blog. Where not only can I relate my thoughts and feelings, but people actually talk back to me and tell me how great I am and what a wonderful mother I am. This is gonna be fun! My only fear is that some of you well-meaning folks will try to trivialize the issues we’ve had with E. In a, “Your kids are great, what do you have to complain about?” kind of way. I tell you in advance to shut up. So. There.

According to Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long we first needed to assess the situation. In other words, we needed to ask ourselves: “Is my child’s nasty behavior overshadowing my child? Is the real E hiding underneath that red tint and devil’s horns? Could my home be a more comfortable and loving place if it weren’t for the monster that has eaten my baby?”

The answer, of course, was a resounding YES! So on to step two. Which is really Week One: Attending.

Attending, quite simply, means describing your child’s appropriate behavior. While attending, the parent is not questioning or giving directions but is simply describing what the child is doing in a happy, upbeat way.

“Wow! I see you’re playing with the Knights and Castles!”
“You put the knight on the horse!”
“Now the horse is in the castle!”

This allows us, the parents, to tune in to E. To really pay attention and show him that we are interested in the positive things he does. Instead of focusing on the negative (the time-outs, the screaming, the tantruming, the stomping of the foots) we are trying to reverse those situations by noticing his positive behaviors.

We’re following the directions of the book to a T. Yesterday I did a 10-minute attending session (no questions, no directions) with Ty observing me. We then debriefed about it. Then, in the evening, Ty did his 10-minute session and we debriefed. We’ll do the same today and tomorrow and then move on to attending at other times of the day in natural situations such as bath time. (You put the water in the cup!) Finally, on days 5-7 we add a new assignment of 20 attends in a one hour period.

My thoughts after day one:
This can only be good. What kid doesn’t want uninterrupted, non-critical, one-on-one time with his parents?

Watching and listening to E during his play really showed me his interesting imagination. The horse was going in the castle because the trees were coming alive and were trying to get him! If I were directing the play (as I am wont to do) I wouldn’t have seen that creativity.

The true beauty of this program is that we only tackle one step at a time. This week is for attending and attending only. I haven’t even read the next four chapters. It is with this slow and practiced approach that we will change the behavior of E and make our home a happier place.