Am I rash? I'm beginning to think that I am.
What is it that's inside me, pushing me to Do and Be more than I Am? Why do I struggle to live in the Now?
I can't seem to relax and enjoy the life I have without scrambling to see ahead to the next step. I think that part of this is not having Anyone bigger than me to trust. I can't let go and let God, I can't let faith in a higher power guide me because I simply don't believe that kind of help is out there. I'm frustrating myself to the point of exhaustion and anxiety.
Right now Ty's got 2.5 years of law school ahead of him so I know exactly where I'll be tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. It's the tomorrow after that that keeps my stomach hurting. I can't stand the thought of not knowing where we'll be in 3 years. Will we be starting this whole process over again in some other location? What will Ty's job be like, will he live with stress and anxiety? Will I need to leave a job that I am putting my whole heart into?
And Why The Hell Does It Matter Now???
My temporary solution is to go get my hair dyed and cut in a totally different style. That will calm the Do! More! Now! bug that recently bit me.
I'll post some pictures.
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