the eugene bean

In his song Jane, Ben sings:
Don't try to see yourself the way that other's do, it's no use.

I'm recently finding that the only time I feel really stupid and insecure is when I'm looking at myself the way I think other's look at me.

I teach PE on Thursday afternoons and I don't really like it. I've never really liked PE (or playing sports in any way, shape, or form) and I don't like teaching it to a bunch of 12 year olds with bad attitudes. But, sometimes I have fun. I've come to the conclusion that in order to have fun, I can't worry about what Joe's thinking as he watches me miss baskets. Or what Theresa is thinking as she watches me fall on my face during a heated race.

If I do focus my attention on other's thoughts, I get all caught up in self-consciousness. Is she laughing at me or with me? Does he know I'm scared of the ball or am I doing a good job hiding it? But really, who cares who else is laughing as long as I am? If I'm enjoying myself then I shouldn't wonder if Joe and Theresa and Billy Bob see me as a huge buffoon or as a fun loving teacher who's actually on the floor playing with her students.

I will be happier if I can be myself without worrying about the way other people see me.

Because really, it's all about me.